I was trying so hard to not turn this into any angry blog, but I have to let off this steam. For awhile now I've been trying to get my "grown woman" on. You know going back to school, looking into buying my first home, building my relationship so we can be a family, you know all the good stuff. But it seems like everytime I turn around BOOM!!! there goes negativity. It comes in all forms. The school placing me in unsatisfactory academic status, CCIS telling me I'm doing to much "Overtime" to contuine subsidy, my job not looking hard enough into the 5 months of back overtime they owe me, my mom trying to put her hands into my pockets, but worse of all is "HIM". Now he hasn't done anything to stop me per-say but he isn't doing anything to help me. Now those of you who know me, know I have given more than enough chances for him to get his shit together. More so for the sake of my daughter and her future siblings(yes I plan to have more) but I also did not want to become a statistic. But more than days than ever before I feel like Keyshia Cole is my narrator "if he ain't gonna love you they way he should then LET IT GO!"
What makes matters worse is the fact that us doing this together is much easier on him than it is on me. i don't want to look at our relationship as a business deal, but if you did it just makes much more sense to do it together. Every time I ask how he feels about "us" he always gives his I want us to be together things are just sooo hard for me right now spill. I am so sick of his whining it is ridiculous. I feel like screaming as I type this because this is so frustrating. I feel so dumb for even having to sit down and put this all out there instead of just saying "Peace Out, deal with your own problems by yourself." I mean I know we have to communicate, we have a child together, but I so wish I could go Jesus with an exchange slip and get her a new daddy. I love my child with all the fibers that make up me, but I wish I bought her here under better circumstances.
I will give my child the best life I can with or without her fathers' willful help(oh because he WILL help) and hopefully she can do for her child what I wish we could have done for her.
HE is such a loser!!!!
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the fact of the matter is, it's better to know you tried all you could and were as patient as you possibly could be for the sake of your family. it's not an easy decision to make- to let it go- because you have so much to lose. family is everything so if you need time to figure out what works best for all of you then take that time. but it's not just about you anymore, it's about lil miss too. good luck
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